Are you unconsciously sabotaging your relationships?

Happy Summer ya'll.

This was sooo good, I had to write about it. 

With my client’s permission, I’m gonna share something that got illuminated in a recent coaching session. Her big "Ah ha" may help you understand yourself and your relationship blocks with a bit of a deeper perspective.

To give you some background, my client co-owns an educational business and she was discussing some of the challenges she was having with her business partner and main assistant.

During our session, she began describing to me in detail what she was being challenged with in some of her work relationships, including how she and her business partner clash and don’t see eye to eye. Also, how her main assistant who was hired to help her handle a lot of the day to day business operations was not really fulfilling all his duties.

As I asked questions about his role and her communication with him, what she shared was that she didn’t really feel supported by him. 

In fact, this has been a theme in my client's life...not feeling supported in relationships.

After breaking down some of the communication gaps she was having with her assistant, the truth began to be brought to light. What she began to realize was that she wasn’t giving him the opportunity to really provide her with what she needed. She was actually not setting him up for success. In fact, she was doing things (and not doing things) that were keeping him from his ability to really help her with what she needed.

Through deeper introspection, what we arrived at was this: 

She has an unconscious belief that she is not worthy of support in relationships. 

As a result, due to this unconscious block, she realized that she has a hard time ASKING the people in her life ways to be accountable to her. Nor does she like to be accountable either. In fact, she said to me, “I don’t like being accountable in relationships.”

When you unconsciously believe you are not worthy of support or that relationships are not supportive, you end up developing behaviors that can sabotage your ability to show up fully in a relationship. It also creates a huge barrier to you being able to get your needs met by another person. Some of us are so blocked, we actually avoid relationshipping all together. We move more into a pattern of avoidance in our relationships and wonder why we feel so alone. Then we repeat this pattern over and over and end up pushing people away from us.

In looking at my client’s strategies, it would be typical of her in this relationship dynamic to then BLAME him for all the reasons he wasn’t showing up for her. Then, with blame would come a feeling of being disempowered and victimized. This is such a familiar state for her…and she keeps returning back here because she gets something out of this…as do many of us….because being a victim abdicates us from taking responsibility for ourselves and our wounds. It’s also a great excuse for not getting work done or reaching goals. It’s a huge stop to personal growth. It's also why you may not feel good and have PAIN and chronic health issues. Being a victim creates victim states. Next to shame, being a victim is one of the lowest places you can be.

When you sit in blame and resentment you are actually illuminating where you have not learned to create healthy boundaries and clear expectations in a relationship. It’s not the other person, it’s YOU. Yes, that’s right. Stop blaming and kindly look at yourself and how YOU show up. 

If you have a hidden belief that relationships are not supportive, then you will act in a way that will continuously create relationship dynamics where you don’t feel supported. You may also be attracted to relationships with people who probably are not capable of supporting you. You unconsciously choose them (courtesy of your old programming) so you eternally feel, “It’s their fault” furthering the experience of feeling unseen, unheard and victimized.

Taking responsibility for yourself and your relationships is not easy. So many of us are stuck in patterns of victimization and blame and get so used to staying stuck there because it’s familiar. We most likely grew up with this dynamic. It was a product of how we were raised and mistreated or what we witnessed by our caregivers as children. So be kind to yourself, it's not your fault, but now it is your responsibility to heal it.

Takeaway:

Think about some of the challenging relationships you have right now. Have you asked that person for what you need? Have you asked that person what they need? Without pointing a finger, have you given that person a chance to show up differently if they’ve hurt your feelings or crossed a boundary?

If you are struggling in your relationships, whether they are with friends, co-workers, intimate relationships or even your own children, you probably have some buried beliefs, negative programming, and maladaptive strategies that are in the way of you cultivating healthy relationships.

The good news is, you have the power to change that!! By asking yourself what you’re not getting in relationships you can take ownership of it. Stop blaming the other person. BTW....RESENTMENT is a sign you haven't been clear with your boundaries...that's ON YOU!! Why haven't you been clear with your needs?

Try asking for what you need from the other person without pointing the finger. That's what's key...take the blame out and own your own feelings. You are more likely to get what you need if you can do it from a place of an invitation vs criticism (especially with your male partners, ladies!!!)

This small step has the power to revolutionize your relationships and move you beyond struggle to feeling more seen, heard and empowered!

Thank you for taking time to read my updates and be a part of my growing community. Please don't hesitate to reach out to say "hello" or if you need support.

Your life and dreams matter!

Mahalo,

Jessica