How to stop struggling and GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER
In this article, Master Life Coach Jessica Sheaffer, explores the first step to getting more out of life without all that darn suffering.
Years ago, I was sitting in a massive struggle shit storm. I was internally a bona fide mess. You wouldn’t have known it by looking at me because I hid it well.
I was recently divorced, grieving, and trying to find my way as a single mom.
For the first couple of years post divorce, I didn’t actually realize I was full of grief and a ball of emotions. From the time of my separation, I went into survival mode building a business, making money, and putting everything into my children. I was so focused on supporting a family and being able to pay a mortgage that I didn’t actually realize I was in a lot of emotional pain. I just got good at pushing my feelings down. When you’re trying to survive, you don't have the space to feel your feelings.
My efforts to grow my business were successful, but even after acquiring more clients and making more money, I realized I wasn't satisfied. It wasn’t enough. I somehow thought being able to provide would give me some sort of amazing accomplished feeling, but it didn’t.
In fact, what I started to feel was empty inside. Nothing satiated me. It was like this void I couldn’t fill. My normal level of anxiety started to sky rocket, too. I was feeling so many emotions, yet, I still wasn’t ready to deal with my pain.
I remember thinking, “Well, I just need to find a new partner and that will bring me more peace and support.” Hahahaha… that was exactly what I didn’t need. That attempted quest ended in more pain and disappointment. Clearly, codependency wasn’t the answer.
In fact, my whole life started to feel that way. Like a crap load of pain. It was like nothing seemed to bring me any happiness anymore. I felt sad, depressed and more anxious all the time. My life was lacking purpose, meaning, and joy. Nothing felt like it was working. This wasn’t entirely true, but it’s how I felt at the time. It was hard to see the good because the pain was just much louder and heavier.
I remember thinking at the time, “This is exactly why people take anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds.” Anxiety can be crippling. Depression can feel like you’re being pulled down all the time... like a sinking ship you can’t rescue. But something in me kept saying, “You’ve got to deal with your pain… it’s time to go a new direction and that means DEALING WITH WHAT YOU KEEP AVOIDING.”
I was literally being cracked wide open. It was the most painful, agonizing place I’d ever been. It was my “Elizabeth Gilbert” moment. Ya know, the one she described in her book “Eat, Pray, Love” when she's a bawling mess, crying on her bathroom floor, praying to God for an answer and a way out. Yep, that was me.
All those wounds seem to be saying, “This is your invitation to do your inner work” …meaning, deal with everything I’d been denying, repressing, and avoiding, all of which were oozing from the darkness into my current life.
I knew that all these feelings were coming from my SHADOW. It was time I dealt with it. Shadow work is looking at all the ways that you’ve rejected aspects of yourself because you don’t want to see them. Some also call this the Dark Night of the Soul (read more at the bottom of this post). Yep, those terms were appropriate. It was dark. It was painful. It was scary. At times, I literally saw complete darkness… like the end was near. I’m not exaggerating.
I also felt like the biggest hypocrite. Here was Jessica, the healer, the master practitioner, literally losing her shit. I had so much judgment about myself and how others would think of me if I actually revealed what I was experiencing. Would they lose respect for me? Would they still trust me to work on their bodies? Would they trust my wisdom knowing that I was more of a mess than they were? I cannot tell you how much that fear came up, that my breakdown would cause others to judge me.
However…
When I got quiet and could find the stillness in the storm with my breath, I could hear the whisper of my soul say, “You’re not broken… you’re just getting ready to build your wings.”
I had this inner knowing that it was really a spiritual awakening and opportunity for me to take RADICAL PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for my life. This massive breakdown was the ultimate catalyst for my biggest breakthrough. I just knew, once I get to the other side of this, I’m gonna be unstoppable!!!
Sing it Sia!!! “I’m unstoppable…I’m so powerful…”
I knew what I wanted, but getting there felt impossible. I was so afraid of what I had to do and the person I was going to have to become and that meant giving up this very familiar way of being. Gawd, such a terrible predicament of knowing, “I want to BE something different, but I fear what I’m going to have to give up to get there.”
Quite frankly, I got so tired of having anxiety and feeling down on myself, that I was forced to finally face the truth. As they say, “The truth will set you free, but first it’ll kick you in the ass.”
Do you wanna know how I stopped struggling and GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER?
Are you ready? Here it is…
I had to be 100% HONEST WITH MYSELF.
Yep, you heard me.
No more LYING to myself, HIDING, REPRESSING, being a VICTIM, or making EXCUSES. I had to finally look in the mirror and see who was looking back at me.
This is what MY RAW HONESTY LOOKED LIKE:
“This anxiety and darkness is paralyzing me. Where I want to go, requires that I heal it. I have no idea how, but I will find a way.”
“I’m so afraid to be me and I’m obsessed with looking perfect to everyone. I always feel like I’m having to prove myself.”
“This pain of having failed relationships means I have to face all my co-dependent strategies and stop accepting mediocre treatment. I have to get to the root of why I always settle in love. I can’t blame men, I have to look at why I’m choosing who I’m choosing.”
“My feelings of not being enough as a mom, mean I actually have to learn to give more to myself. I don’t have healthy boundaries and I need to learn a healthy balance of give and receive.”
“I accept poor treatment from colleagues and some friends and it hurts. I don’t want to hurt anymore in my relationships. I’m tired of people-pleasing.”
“I want to step into my full leadership but I’m so afraid of being a leader. I don’t feel smart or articulate enough. I’m so afraid of becoming more.”
“I have deep feelings of inadequacy and never feel like I’m enough. It’s eating me up inside.”
Here’s the magic of it all. Once I took radical responsibility for myself and my life, I found all the right resources and people to help me navigate this new path. I was led exactly where I needed to go. I worked with several therapists and coaches until I found one coach who made the biggest impact in my life. In fact, that experience with her opened my eyes up to the fact I was truly destined to become a life coach. She modeled for me what I knew in my heart I wanted. It was a beautiful healing journey and had I not been honest with myself about my challenges and needing help, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
I can look back now and see that the darkness was the place I had to go. I had to spend time there, getting in touch with everything that I had repressed, denied and ignored. The darkness ultimately led me into the light. I had to feel everything in order to heal and fully integrate within myself.
All of us healing professionals know this truth: we must feel to heal.
Here’s what radical HONESTY did for me:
⬥ I learned how to feel safe in my body and no longer suffer with daily anxiety. I have healed so much of my life long struggle with it and now feel much calmer and at peace. I know what to give myself when I start to feel anxious. I have tools and a deeper understanding of myself and needs.
⬥ I healed my wounds around needing to be a perfectionist. Now I show up as me and can I tell you it is so much more fun. I give myself space to mess up and be more creative.
⬥ I no longer people-please, which means my relationships have all been upgraded. I no longer settle for mistreatment. I’ve had to let some people go out of my life and have strengthened my relationships with those that reciprocally love and respect me. I get to be the REAL ME in my relationships. I speak my truth, I show up as me, and it feels so good.
⬥ I’m a much more grounded and patient mother. I have healthier boundaries with my children. I take care of myself now. I’ve noticed a shift in my kids, too. They are happier and respond better to how I parent them.
⬥ I’m in a beautiful relationship with a man. I stopped settling and did the work to truly attract a wonderful partnership into my life. He is my best friend, the most wonderful lover, and a true partner. I’m very blessed to have him. He brings out my inner child and I’ve never had anyone who can play with me like that man. We could be sitting in a dirt hole having the time of our lives because together we find the spirit of the moment.
I also love that we both know we are here to change the world and do it in our own way. We both feel a sense of freedom in the relationship, but also find comfort in the path we are carving together.
⬥ I’m a successful embodied life coach. I have a business that has grown exponentially in the last few years since I did my deeper work. I now live more from inspiration and creativity and am so excited about what’s ahead. I honestly believe my best years are ahead of me.
⬥ I believe in myself now. That painful feeling of never feeling like I was enough has been replaced with, “I love and accept all of me. I am here to live my light and truth.’”
Here is my question for you:
What would be possible if you could finally be 100% honest with yourself?
What might change for you?
It’s okay to ADMIT the following:
I’m afraid.
I don’t have all the answers.
I feel alone and anxious.
I’m in pain.
I’m angry all the time.
I don’t have my shit together.
I’m terrified of being rejected or abandoned.
I never feel okay inside.
I don't feel smart enough.
I hate my job.
I’m not happy in my relationships.
I wanna leave my spouse.
I don't know what I’m doing.
I feel shame.
I need help.
Everything will start to shift when you can finally admit to yourself where you are struggling. Once you own it, then you are ready to accept that you need help. All it takes is you finally saying, “I’m ready to take 100% responsibility for my life… show me the way.”
My biggest breakthroughs happened when I could finally be vulnerable enough to be seen and to talk about my pain. Being honest with myself opened the door to a whole new life. I had no idea that being so vulnerably open was really the path to new found strength and belief in myself that I now have.
I promise, when you’re ready, the help is close by. Arriving at a place of 100% honesty means you’re available to be taught a new way. Until that time arrives, you will continue to suffer and no pill, no person, no amount of money or fame can ever change the relationship you have to yourself.
Mr. Rogers once said, “The greatest gift you will ever give, is your honest self.” That gift is the gift that will keep on giving, my friends. You just have to choose yourself.
More About Shadow Work
Shadow work is looking at all the ways that you’ve rejected aspects of yourself because you don’t want to see them.
To give you an example, when we were young we depended on our parents or main caregivers for survival. As a result, we become very attached to them as a way to survive. What if one of our parents yelled at us for being outspoken, we may not feel safe to speak our truth from that moment forward, even into adulthood.
When our parent scolded us for being outspoken, we may have concluded, “I rely on this person to survive and they might not love me if I continue to raise my voice.” So we may bury that experience and later in life get triggered and not understand why we’re upset and the connection it has to our past.
Where this trigger may show now as an adult as one of your “shadows” is around speaking your truth.
It might bother you to see other people speaking their truth. Every time somebody speaks up around you, it might bring up unexplainable feelings of anger, fear, or resentment since you have been programmed to believe that speaking up is not safe to do.
Dark Night of the Soul is one of the most painful yet most transformative experiences a person can have. “Dark night” symbolizes the obscuration of true self, while “soul” refers to one’s true essence. When a person moves through the dark night, they essentially are having a spiritual crisis in which the ego experiences a death and they awaken to having a greater perspective and understanding of themselves and what their soul’s purpose is on earth. The dark night is often triggered by a major life change or loss, divorce, injury, or break-up.
Jessica Sheaffer is a compassionate, intuitive life coach in Austin, TX with over 20 years of experience. Her mission is to help women release what no longer serves them, align with their divine purpose, and start living a life they LOVE!
Click here to learn more about her services.
