Step #2 of how to GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER
In my last article, I discussed how important it is to be HONEST with yourself if you really want to change your life. Most of us avoid self honesty at some level, because it means we’re gonna have to finally face an aspect of ourselves that we’re not comfortable facing. It could be an addiction, a way of operating that causes you or others pain, a partnership that isn’t working, a job that no longer suits you, or lack of money, passion or purpose.
The reality is, you are responsible for your life. The more you can open up and BE HONEST with where you are struggling, then you actually have a chance to make changes and create a life with less suffering and more fulfillment.
Until you’re ready to be honest, you’ll be stuck in a game of:
✘ avoidance
✘ pain,
✘ blame
✘ victimization
✘ dissatisfaction
✘ boredom
✘ distraction
✘ disempowerment
✘ lack
Who wants that???
“Those with a perpetual victim mindset tend to create the situations from which they suffer.”
Once you are honest with yourself, it’s important that you recognize that to make BIG changes in your life you are gonna have to learn to get out of SURVIVAL or TRAUMA Brain. Survival brain is a state of being where you are in stress response and you don’t feel safe. It means your nervous system is dysregulated. In fact, you most likely haven’t been able to make changes in your life due to being dysregulated.
Many of you have heard of the FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE, and FAWN mode. I have 2 pictures below that show you the signs and symptoms of being in a trauma or survival state. Look to see if you can identify any of your trauma responses or trauma response feelings.
When you’re NOT under stress, then you are in what’s called “Learning Brain” or a Parasympathetic/relaxed state.
In this state, you are calm and centered and safe. You are more likely to be curious, ask questions, be logical, and feel more confident. You’re willing to take risks and try new things. You aren’t afraid of making mistakes or learning from what didn't go the way you wanted it to. You’ll find it’s easier to bond and work with others. You perform better on tests. You also can better access your inner wisdom and where your heart is leading you. You’re more open to giving and receiving love. When you’re in learning brain, you are more connected to your true inner essence and much more likely to attract the things that are resonate to your core essence.
However, in survival brain, everything I listed above is difficult. Most people who struggle in life are struggling because they are stuck in a survival pattern. You simply cannot be in your power and fully confident if you’re dysregulated.
When in your learning brain, you have a much better shot at making positive changes in your life because you have the inner resources to do so. Conscious, aware, embodied individuals who are truly living in their power have learned how to master staying centered and calm. It doesn’t mean they don’t get triggered or have fear. Instead they recognize the trigger and fear are an opportunity for growth. They see it as their teacher and do the work to release the trigger and do what they need to regulate, such as doing breathwork or talking with their inner child.
In this video, I explain survival brain and the four responses.
So what does it look like to be in a survival or trauma response? Let’s use someone who is stuck in FAWNING MODE as our example.
Fawners become fawners because they learned at some point as a child through repeated stressful experiences, “I must put others first in order to survive,” So, the focus becomes more about how to appease others versus putting their needs first.
A person stuck in fawning mode has difficulty being true to themselves. They have a pattern of self-abandonment. They typically are more focused on others and what they need versus themselves. So, if someone is used to being a fawner, they are gonna have a really hard time cultivating healthy relationships. They will often feel like others don’t care about them or they get taken advantage.
After enough negative relationship experiences, the FAWNER will have this story running that relationships are hard or painful. Or maybe they’ll secretly resent the people closest to them, yet continue to people please. The long term effects of being stuck in fawning mode is poor boundary management leading to the experience of feeling unheard, unseen and disrespected. Fawners often lack self confidence and have a hard time pursuing their dreams because they’re too busy focusing on others versus their needs. They also are too worried about what others will think so they avoid risks stepping into leadership roles.
Many fawners get to adulthood and feel a sense of lack, deprivation, physical pain, and fulfillment. They are definitely unsatisfied in their relationships and carry a lot of emotional pain.
That used to be me.
As some of you know by reading my bio and watching my videos, for most of my life I was an anxious people-pleaser. Looking at the diagrams above, you can see that I was stuck in FLIGHT and FAWNING…and that is so true. I had most of those symptoms.
I saw multiple therapists, did work with healers, shamans, personal development workshops, read all the spiritual self help books, and became a yoga instructor. But nothing ever healed my anxiety nor cured my people pleasing issues. I spent a majority of my adult life essentially trying to chase the symptoms of my anxiety and underlying people-pleasing strategy but it never went away.
“Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory.”
Here’s the thing - I learned that I couldn’t get out of my fawning and flight mode with talk therapy.
✘ Writing in my journal didn’t do it either.
✘ Saying a bunch of affirmations did not regulate me.
✘ EMDR didn’t fix my anxiety or trauma.
✘ Getting psychic readings didn’t reveal the magical answer.
✘ Meditating and yoga wasn’t the solution either.
✘ Escaping to the beach or mountains didn’t change anything….
All those things helped to some degree, but the way I finally got out of the stress response was by doing the necessary deep healing work of my unconscious wounds. That healing work meant healing the wound that was causing my system to get dysregulated.
For me and for anyone else healing a trauma response, that meant doing the work to finally deal with the pain, shame, subconscious programming, and repressed feelings that were keeping me in a hyper state of stress.
I had to heal the wounds and reprogram my nervous system for safety.
So, how did I do that?
I worked with trauma informed coaches who are trained in trauma release techniques. Trauma release work is about releasing the blocks and then rewiring the nervous system. Most trauma release techniques utilize sound, movement, breath and somatic awareness to tap into where the body and subconscious is stuck. It often requires connecting with your “inner child” - the “little you” that went through hard things that is waiting for your love and healthy care.
“The reason for your mental challenges and chronic disease/pain is your nervous system is disregulated. No amount of talk therapy can fix that. You must go into the body to regulate and release the trapped emotions.”
If you’ve made it this far in my article, then I think you know by now that you are recognizing that the struggles you have are underscoring the fact you are dysregulated.
Here are some examples of being in chronic states of dysregulation and trauma brain:
✘ If you're anxious.
✘If you’re angry all the time.
✘ If you always feel victimized and in pain.
✘ If you don't trust others and avoid people.
✘ If you’re fearful and find excuses not to take risks.
✘ If you’re overworking and overthinking.
✘ If you’re stuck in your head and have a hard time connecting with your feelings.
✘ If you are a perfectionist.
✘ If you always feel lack and never have enough.
✘ If you need an alcoholic drink to relax.
✘ If you’re putting up with bullshit from others.
… I think you get the point.
In conclusion, if you truly want to get out of struggle and finally live a life you love living, it’s time to get REGULATED. Getting back to learning brain is gonna finally allow you to live life with more purpose, pleasure, peace and awareness. It’s gonna revolutionize your relationship to yourself and how you experience the world. Imagine if you didn’t have to live life dysregulated anymore. Instead you felt empowered to create the life of your dreams!!
It’s possible, I promise. You just have to do the healing work to get there.
If you recognize that you are stuck in a trauma response, I highly recommend you find a trauma informed life coach or practitioner/therapist who’s been trained in trauma/somatic healing techniques. Remember, healing trauma and regulating your nervous system requires breathwork, utilizing sound and movement. It means working with the energy and somatics of the body. It requires you get out of your head and into your body to create a sense of inner safety.
Some of my favorite books about trauma are:
“The Body Keeps the Score” - Bessel van der Kolk
“5 Personality Patterns” - Steven Kessler (READ THIS BOOK)
“Waking the Tiger” and “Healing Trauma” - Peter Levine
“Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” - Lindsay Gibson
“The Myth of Normal” - Gabor Mate
“What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing” - Bruce D. Perry
“Whole Again: Healing your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self after Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse” - Jackson MacKenzie
“Power: Surviving and Thriving after Narcissistic Abuse” - Shahida Arabi
Jessica Sheaffer is a compassionate, intuitive life coach in Austin, TX with over 20 years of experience. Her mission is to help women release what no longer serves them, align with their divine purpose, and start living a life they LOVE!
Click here to learn more about her services.
